Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Korean Ballads

You know I'm not doing well when I start to listen to sad Korean ballads. Henry used to complain that I listened to too many sad ballads or instrumental (background music) but I find it's my way of coping. For some time I was okay but it seems that I need it again. Feelings of hopelessness and depression come to mind...However, I tell myself that I've been through worse and if I have made it this far I'll be okay. Sometimes I just feel so tired...tired of working so hard and still feeling like I am far from my goals. I want financial stability...I want a family that can fend for itself and isn't prone to being preyed upon by people with ill intentions. Is this too much to ask? I wish I could cry but its hard for me. Sometimes I think that I come off as distant and all knowing to my family. Apparently, my sister thinks "I have it all"...I guess I've been really good at deceiving them for the past 7 years.

In undergrad I had to work two jobs and paid my tuition through scholarships and loans. I babysat, worked in a pizzeria, delivered packages, worked as a Sunday school teacher...It was a lot because I not only had to take care of school expenses but also living because my family never had a dime to spare as they have always lived paycheck to paycheck. I know that if I hadn't gotten this fellowship I'd be thinking twice about graduate school as I really don't want to add to my 40,000 debt from undergrad. However, this year I've had to help my family with money because they are behind on bills and can't afford food...I've been paying one of my mom's credit cards while paying for my phone bill, health care, tuition and just living. I don't even have income right now. I'm pretty close to having to taking out loans again. Of course, my dad is in another country because my parents are separated and although he doesn't have much to spare because he needs money to live himself, he's been helping by giving $200 a month...but that's not nearly enough.

In addition, my mom's depression and nerves are getting worse. She's taking everything out on my sister and I don't like it. She's told my sister that she can't believe she's her daughter and that every year instead of growing her mind she is shrinking it. This is all because my sister lost her job and she didn't go to college. Well, excuse me but not everyone is motivated enough to go to school. Not everyone wants to make sacrifices and to take out loans. Not everyone is me. I don't like people especially my own parents making my sister feel worse than she already does. She's a misunderstood young adult still trying to find her way in the world and I know that she is trying. She just started a job this week as a taxi driver and she is working at night. Yet, my mom frowns down upon it. Why? It's income. She's working and trying to move forward. Also, my mom seems to be having memory problems. She gets so nervous she forgets things. She sometimes can't stop crying and is very angry. While I understand that she had a difficult childhood where she worked since she was 9, grew up without parents and had to survive an earthquake, it's still difficult for me as her daughter to deal with this behavior. Yeah and she stopped taking her depression medication.

I try to take a deep breath and look at things from a different angle. I know grad school is manageable. I have been managing it fine so far. Of course, compared to my life overall grad school seems easy.

1 comment:

Ashley said...

Okay, so I'm not sure this particularly helpful, but we were talking about future income in Macroeconomics today and I calculated our income.

Even with substantial debt, if we are promoted every 5 years and work in the DOS we will make a total of 4,500,000 dollars - that's just base salary with 2010 dollar calculations. Moreover, even if we leave to 90 and want a constant consumption rate from now until we die, we can afford to spend $50,000+ a year.

Does that make you feel better? It made me feel better when I thought about having job security and possibly one day making that much money! -hugs-