Thursday, January 31, 2008

And Homesickness Struck

The language barrier is really getting to me and today it hit me harder than ever, with this I also realize that I don't fit in well with my group and this truly bytes. Today at dinner I psst someone off with something that I would usually tell to someone in the States, more like my friends but I apparently offended this guy in my group. I really didn't like the way in which he talked to me. It psst me off but also hurt. Then I started to think about Henry and how even with all my flaws and imperfections is able to deal with me. Even with all my insecurities and my snoring he's happy; this is when I started to feel a pain in my chest and I knew the tears wanted to come. Then I started to think about my mom and how whenever I am down she always helps me to keep going. How she is always so optimistic and how unconditionally she loves me. This experience is definitely helping me to learn to appreciate you guys more. You guys (along with Kesia, crazy Michelle and dad) mean the world to me...and I don't know what I'd do without you. This is a rough time. I am tired everyday (due to jet lag and the intense walking and activity that we have everyday). The only time that I have to talk to everyone is when they are going off to work or are already in classes so I can't even talk to you guys. Today right now it is 9:53 pm and I tried calling my mom at the internet cafe that I am in right now however, the wannabe Spanish music is so freakin loud that she couldn't hear me and I could really use hearing her right now. I know that I have to be strong because I CHOSE this- no one pushed me. I like Vietnamese food and the people, and the city is charming but Jesus crossing the street is like asking to die-seriously(especially at night).

Just to post this I had to walk by myself to the internet café and cross a couple of streets. Imagine that as you cross there is no walk sign and cars and many motorbikes are coming at you and you have to make sure that you don’t run unless you want to get hit. Therefore, one must TRUST that the people riding the motorbike won’t hit you…Nikkia said you know maybe you went to the wrong country- I don’t think it’s right but I think that I should have gone to Japan if I wanted to stick to an Asian country…or even just gone to Central America. I know that I can be open-minded. I love different cultures, foods and languages just ughhh this is so difficult… I just have to try to make the best out of this. I am learning an interesting yet difficult language and I am going to learn a number of wonderful things that I never imagined.

I know that no one but you guys will feel sorry or will care about me and my well being… the kids in the program don’t know me and don’t care about me. We have very few things in common and don’t come from the same state or from the same university. Right now they are doing karaoke and guess what? I didn’t want to go. I wore contacts to dinner today and everyone looked at me odd. They asked are you tired (because I had huge bags under my eyes). They asked why I wasn’t wearing my glasses and if I could see alright. God dammit I was wearing contacts. That is the last time I wear them here. I will wear it to the gym but that’s it! I’ll probably take up Vietnamese martial arts or do weightraining so that I can keep myself busy. You know, I can’t even get someone to go to school with me. Everyone has already broken up into their own groups and I am not a part of any of them... Luckily on my way to the café I found the school, so I will go by myself; It is the university of economics. I don’t need these people because in my heart I have you guys. Maybe I truly am a difficult and ugly person but you guys love me anyway…Thank you for that.

I will try to get online but it is very difficult with my schedule and the fact that to do this means to be on my own.

I love you


Henry B said...

I love you dear. I wish I could reach out to you and give you a big hug like you really need right now. I miss talking with you the most.

Those idiots don't know what they're missing, and you just remember that they are each insignificant compared to you. You might not think so, but you have more tenacity and stronger spirit than the rest of them combined.

I'm sorry it is so hard to get internet access, I had hoped that it would be really cheap to buy phone cards to call Hong Kong. Phones are usually easier to find was my thinking. If you can get online earlier I'll wake up as early as I need to okay?

Ignore the American Idiots, they're harshing on your mellows! As you improve your Vietnamese you won't have to rely on them for conversation anyway. Maybe writing would help with small requests?

I keep you in my heart and feel you in my thoughts. Even though I can't snuggle with you to sleep, think of what I'd bring to brighten your day and bring you back to focus on what you want to do each day =D *kisses* I'll hear from you soon

Love Henry

Tiina said...

oh emmania dear!

From my limited experience, it's the first couple of weeks that are the hardest. You probably won't feel like you are part of any group until a lot later, but the more time goes on the more you will come to find people to hang out with who will appreciate you for who you are. *hugs* Not everyone is as open-minded and considerate as we would like, nor do they have the same customs. Just keep smiling and remember you are a strong independent woman who can do anything! The language barrier will get easier as you start to learn the language, as you know. And until then you can keep up your blog entries, and we will keep posting our regards and wishes for your happiness. <3 You're already there, so it's time to make the best out of it. YOU CAN DO IT! I believe in you.

:3 Tiina

T & D G said...

Hi Emmania,
Sounds as if you're off to a frustrating start. Trust us, things will get better! You're a strong person and have always managed to overcome any and all obstacles. You're not about to stop now. It's always difficult to get adjusted to a new environment, especially when there are so many differences. With time things will become more familiar to you and will become easier to deal with. As far as the other students are concerned, as anywhere, there are good and bad. Again with time you will meet people you enjoy being with. Meanwhile you have people in your life now who love and care for you greatly.... you are very fortunate. We are looking forward to more pictures and news from you - and, as you know, we are so proud of you. Just be yourself - things WILL be fine!
T & D G