Korean Ballads

You know I'm not doing well when I start to listen to sad Korean ballads. Henry used to complain that I listened to too many sad ballads or instrumental (background music) but I find it's my way of coping. For some time I was okay but it seems that I need it again. Feelings of hopelessness and depression come to mind...However, I tell myself that I've been through worse and if I have made it this far I'll be okay. Sometimes I just feel so tired...tired of working so hard and still feeling like I am far from my goals. I want financial stability...I want a family that can fend for itself and isn't prone to being preyed upon by people with ill intentions. Is this too much to ask? I wish I could cry but its hard for me. Sometimes I think that I come off as distant and all knowing to my family. Apparently, my sister thinks "I have it all"...I guess I've been really good at deceiving them for the past 7 years.

In undergrad I had to work two jobs and paid my tuition through scholarships and loans. I babysat, worked in a pizzeria, delivered packages, worked as a Sunday school teacher...It was a lot because I not only had to take care of school expenses but also living because my family never had a dime to spare as they have always lived paycheck to paycheck. I know that if I hadn't gotten this fellowship I'd be thinking twice about graduate school as I really don't want to add to my 40,000 debt from undergrad. However, this year I've had to help my family with money because they are behind on bills and can't afford food...I've been paying one of my mom's credit cards while paying for my phone bill, health care, tuition and just living. I don't even have income right now. I'm pretty close to having to taking out loans again. Of course, my dad is in another country because my parents are separated and although he doesn't have much to spare because he needs money to live himself, he's been helping by giving $200 a month...but that's not nearly enough.

In addition, my mom's depression and nerves are getting worse. She's taking everything out on my sister and I don't like it. She's told my sister that she can't believe she's her daughter and that every year instead of growing her mind she is shrinking it. This is all because my sister lost her job and she didn't go to college. Well, excuse me but not everyone is motivated enough to go to school. Not everyone wants to make sacrifices and to take out loans. Not everyone is me. I don't like people especially my own parents making my sister feel worse than she already does. She's a misunderstood young adult still trying to find her way in the world and I know that she is trying. She just started a job this week as a taxi driver and she is working at night. Yet, my mom frowns down upon it. Why? It's income. She's working and trying to move forward. Also, my mom seems to be having memory problems. She gets so nervous she forgets things. She sometimes can't stop crying and is very angry. While I understand that she had a difficult childhood where she worked since she was 9, grew up without parents and had to survive an earthquake, it's still difficult for me as her daughter to deal with this behavior. Yeah and she stopped taking her depression medication.

I try to take a deep breath and look at things from a different angle. I know grad school is manageable. I have been managing it fine so far. Of course, compared to my life overall grad school seems easy.

NYC Housing, Financial Woes and a Random Thing or Two

On Thursday night the Rangels watched Empire of the Sun. This movie was really well done but depressing. At least I learned about something I didn't know. It focused on the Japanese internment camps in China where the British were held during World War II. If you have not seen it, I encourage you to watch it. Later that night I went out for a drink to McFadden's with Ashley and Jake. A cute white guy hit on me. I didn't quite know what to do about that...This summer is the first time I am actually going out regularly; I've never really done this "going out" thing before.

I got Friday off because my office is just that awesome. Half way through my internship I feel comfortable around everyone and I think they do with me as well. Their personalities are coming out and I love it! Although I don't see myself in Congress at this time, I think that I will miss this job. Not so much for the job, but more so for the people.

I've been looking for apartments in NYC because I need a place to live while I am attending classes at Columbia. However, I was very discouraged by what I had been seeing. Given that my budget wasn't that large for NYC living, I was looking at rooms yes ROOMS in an apartment with roommates I don't even know that were between $900 to $1100. The other thing was that all these apartments were at least a 20 minute commute to campus despite them being in Manhattan. People keep telling me I have lost touch with reality, even my own dad said it, when it comes to NYC living; Maybe they are right. Anyway, my ever supportive boyfriend told me that maybe I should talk with his parents who live in Manhattan to see if I could live with them and could just help around the house with chores and the like in exchange for housing. Having them tell me they'd be happy to host me was a huge relief! Although my fellowship covers $20,000 of tuition, Columbia is $40,000 a year and I didn't get any additional financial aid from Columbia... I can see how they keep this school "elite". It's always been my dream to attend Columbia but I shouldn't be surprised that although I've been accepted that it wouldn't come without some sacrifices. Thankfully living with my boyfriend's parents means that I can put the money I was going to spend on rent towards tuition which would greatly limit any loans I'd have to take out.

I am starting to feel a little depressed. The reality of my finances is slowly starting to weigh me down. I still owe $40,000 for undergrad, I pay health insurance monthly, my cell phone, part of my mom's debt and just being able to live... Let's just say, I've been eating a lot of sandwiches!